


I Don't Want To Forget

by brinnabot



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, but also can stand alone, but it's gonna have angst and fluff and friendship and all that jazz, connects to a previous fic, let's bring everyone back together shall we?, might be a little slow at times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 09:44:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8200511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brinnabot/pseuds/brinnabot
Summary: Years after the events in Civil War, Bucky Barnes is woken up. For everyone else, about two years have gone by. For Bucky, everything was as fresh in his mind like they happened only days ago. It's time to decide how he's going to heal, if at all. Things are still a bit messy with all the Avengers, but things slowly start to come together (it's not just Bucky who needs to heal, is it?)





	

**Author's Note:**

> The first Chapter can be connected by to my fic titled Worth The Wait (http://archiveofourown.org/works/6853783/chapters/15644689), acting as a sort of prequel to Bucky and Steve's dynamic. After that, it is the start of a new story. Enjoy!

After being numb for so many months, being able to feel again was almost too much to handle. Really it was just a different kind of numb, where your senses overload to the point where your body just rejects everything, trying to protect itself from burning up after god knows how long in the cold. The big difference now was that you felt _real_ again. Or as close to it as you could be after being literally frozen for over two years.

This was the struggle Bucky Barnes was faced with. Being woken up from cryo-sleep was almost indescribable. He had experienced it more times than he would care to count, and he tried his best to forget the sensations that came along with it. Those feelings always led to him being strapped down, prodded, electrocuted… wiped from existence. He would have been lying if he said there wasn’t a part of him that hoped he wouldn’t wake up each time he was stored away like just another tool in their terrifying array of weapons. 

But almost 80 years later, here he was. Being woken up once again, feeling terrified once again. The terror set in before he could even feel enough to move most of his muscles. His entire body screamed at him to run, to fight his way out, but after a few moments of terror the helplessness set in. The part of him that was still _him_ remembered that he had tried this already the last time they woke him up: He couldn’t run. He couldn’t fight. All he could do what wait.

Something about this wake-up call was different…

_“Bucky?”_

The adrenaline and panic faded faster than usual. The room was light, the air was warm, he could… he could remember things.

_“Hey, Bucky…”_

The voice echoing in and out around him slowly focused, becoming sharper. What he couldn’t quite remember just yet was where he was and how he got there. But it came in flashes, pieces, messy and scrambled. The light was just a tad too bright for him, causing him to squint and blink over and over again. 

_“Is he alright? Dude looks really out of it…”_

_“Shut it, Sam. I think he looks pretty good for just being thawed out.”_

_“Will both of you be quiet!”_

That last voice…

“Steve…?”

The name slipped out without a conscious thought. Bucky was still groggy, trying to gain control of his limbs. His ‘s’ was slurred and his eyebrows creased in confusion, but things were finally beginning to piece together. With every blink, his vision cleared. Each breath was like his first, his lungs desperate for fresh air unimpeded by clouds of frost. He was close to the point of gasping, eyes wildly flicking here and there as his body let it’s guard down and allowed him to take everything in. 

One by one, muscles began to work, joints began to bend, feeling began to return. A split second of panic sliced through him when he attempted to move his left arm and nothing happened. But he didn’t have much time to think it through before his knees almost buckled under the pressure of needing to hold up the entirety of his body weight for the first time in years. He grit his teeth and prepared to fall flat on his face, but a pair of strong hands caught him before he fell too far.

“Whoa whoa whoa! Careful, don’t push yourself too far Buck, you just woke up!”

Purely on instinct, Bucky grabbed hold of the arm of whoever caught him, clumsily catching himself and trying to pull himself back upright with the one hand he had left. But then the voice spoke again and it was all he could focus on. He swung his head around to look up at the individual behind him and his eyes met with none other than Steve’s.

In that moment, everything fell into place. Flashes from everything that happened two years ago came flooding in. He was running, he was fighting, he was jumping and drowning and screaming and… he was broken. His mind fractured again from being manipulated back into the weapon he was, his arm blasted off from a high energy beam, his heart shattered from more things than he could pinpoint. Just as his body began to work again he was frozen in place from the memories ripping through him. His breath caught in his throat, lungs strangled with emotion, and he began to shake, tears falling down his face as he desperately tightened his grip on Steve’s arm.

“Why.. am I awake?” was the only thing Bucky managed to ask before the crying really started, sobs wracking his body, lips quivering and eyes closed shut as he tried to stop it all from washing over him.

He wasn’t given an answer right away, which was probably for the best as he would not have heard it through the small gasps and cries he couldn’t hold in. He felt Steve wrap an arm around his waist and slide the other under his knees, literally sweeping him off his feet. They moved a few paces back and Bucky reveled in the small relief he felt from not standing anymore before he was set down someplace where his feet dangled above the ground.

Gentle touches wiped the tears from his cheeks and tucked the hair behind his ears. Bucky wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there before he was able to calm himself down, but his eyes did open eventually. They were red, puffy, worn and tired but so very alive and bright. He blinked a few times and rubbed them with his hand before gaining the strength to look back up at Steve, who had stayed by him the whole time, silent and patient.

Bucky took a glance around and saw that the room was empty. He had sworn that he heard other voices mingling with Steve’s earlier, but perhaps he was wrong. Soft chirps from nearby monitors was all that could be heard before Bucky decided to speak.

“Why am I awake?” he asked again. His voice was hoarse and low, barely above a whisper. After scanning the room he directed his gaze to the floor in front of him, not wanting to look at Steve for fear of breaking down again.

Steve shifted beside him, leaning against the surface Bucky was seated on with his gaze parallel to Bucky’s. He took a deep breath and crossed his arms. “They’ve been working on a few ways to try and help your mind recover. They’ve been working really hard, it’s amazing honestly… But they said that waking you up now would be acceptable. So, I okayed it.”

That wasn’t the response Bucky was looking for. He turned to Steve, eyebrows creased with concern. “Are you saying that they _found_ a solution, or they’re _close_ to finding a solution?”

Steve’s mouth opened but he paused before speaking, eyes still fixed in front of him even though Bucky was silently begging him to gaze back. “Listen, Buck, they’re _so_ close, and there are backup plans and other options and I just thought-”

“Shit, Steve!” Bucky cut him off. His voice was filled with anger, but in reality he was simply scared. “That’s not good enough! I told you and everyone else in this godforsaken place that I didn’t want to be woken up until there was a real fix to this mess!”

Steve then turned to look at him, panic shadowing his expression. “Wait, Buck, listen I know that you’re upset but-”

“No! No no no Steve this.. this isn’t a debate,” he cut Steve off again and began to panic as well, his breathing becoming shallow and heart starting to beat faster. He pushed himself off of his seat and took a second to balance himself as he continued. “I’m going back in there, that’s the only right way to do this.”

“I can’t let you do that.” 

Bucky scoffed and took a few paces over towards Steve, stopping once he was directly in front of him. “This isn’t about you, this isn’t even about me. This is about protecting people. I thought that _you_ would understand that.”

“Of course I understand that. But I also think that you are being too hard on yourself! You are safe here, you don’t have to be scared of yourself anymore.”

“That damn book is still out there!” Bucky was practically screaming now. “I can’t ever feel safe when it’s still floating around, most likely with the government. _That_ doesn’t make me feel safe, Steve.”

Bucky waited for an answer, anything from Steve, but the room once again went silent. Their eyes met once Steve looked up. It was a rare thing to find Bucky Barnes stumped when it came to reading Steve Rogers, but he found himself unable to pinpoint the expression on his best friend’s face. He relaxed his shoulders a bit and his face softened as he inquisitively searched for any clues as to what Steve was thinking. Something told him that he had overreacted, gone too far, and he silently searched for the right combination of words to apologize for his outburst.

“Steve… I’m sorry I yelled, it’s just-”

Bucky paused when Steve gently raised a hand to shush him, shaking his head. “You have nothing to apologize for. It’s me who should be saying sorry,” he replied and then sighed before he continued, “What I said about them finding a way to help you was true, and when they offered to wake you up I couldn't say no. It had been so long without you a-a-and they really are close to a breakthrough in their research I just…”

Bucky waited.

“I’m selfish. And I’m sorry I broke my promise, but I just… I was so lost. It's too much to explain right now. But really I was only at peace with the idea of waking you up because a few weeks ago I managed to get my hands on something. I thought that getting this outta the way would maybe help you feel better.” Once Steve finished he stood up, walked over to a counter on the edge of the room, and stopped at a metal briefcase. He then fished a key from the back pocket of his jeans and carefully unlocked the case, retrieving something from inside before turning to walk back.

In his hands Steve held a crimson book, worn at the edges and cracked on the surface and on the front a large black star. Though Bucky had just been talking about it, the last thing he expected was to see it physically in front of him.

From Steve’s perspective, the horrors that spilled out from that book either took place in a time where he was asleep in the ice, or many years ago in a time he could remember. Those years since had dragged on and on like they would never end, but it was over with, done, something of the past to look back on.

For Bucky, it was all fresh in his mind. For decades upon decades, that red journal did nothing but rip him apart from the inside, take away everything that made him who he was and that made him human. Two years ago to him was really only a few days ago, and the instant he laid eyes upon the book in his friend’s hands all color drained from his face.

On a rational level, Bucky knew that nothing was going to happen and that Steve was about the only person in the entire universe he could trust with the tools to shatter him from the inside. But the other half of him, which dominated the sensible side, was relentless in telling him he was about to lose his fight against the weapon they shoved inside his head. 

While Steve made his way back over, Bucky’s eyes never left the book. He gulped and tried to take a deep breath. His hand was shaking ever so slightly, fist clenched. Phantom sensations popped up here and there: places where the restraints would hold down his arms, where the needles entered his skin, where the electrodes pressed flat against his skull. His body had become so used to the mistreatment that even the simple sight of the red journal would put his entire body in a frantic state of distress.

Steve finally arrived back at his spot in front of Bucky and noticed how tense he was. After a few beats he set the book down near where Bucky had been sitting earlier and gently took him by the shoulders. “Hey, are you alright?”

_Back to reality._ The light pressure of Steve's hands on his shoulders was enough to knock him back to the present. Bucky shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts and nodded in response. “Yeah, sorry, I just… You found it. I can't believe you found it.”

The faintest trace of a smile could be seen on Steve’s face after Bucky responded. He then let go of Bucky’s shoulders and leaned back again, attempting to relax a bit to help ease the tension they were both feeling. “Well, getting that book was important. And I had help, it was actually Tony who pulled some strings at the end and managed to get ahold of it. So the good news is that we _technically_ didn’t steal it.”

Bucky’s eyes narrowed. “Tony?”

Steve sighed. “I know what you must be thinking, but you’ve been gone a long time, Buck. Things aren’t perfect… hell really things aren’t even necessarily _good_ but they’re a bit better.”

After this Bucky stayed silent. His emotions had been pulled and twisted in so many different directions already in just the few hours he had been awake, and now he was beginning to lose steam. He could feel his limbs turning to stone, weighing him down. His heart only had enough energy left to focus on one thing, and right now that thing was the book, not Tony. Not everything that happened in that warehouse in Siberia. Not the horrifying truth that he had killed the Starks. He couldn’t think about that right now.

Silently switching the subject of conversation, Bucky walked over and placed himself in front of the book. He simply looked down at it, afraid to touch it, fearing that every ugly thing about himself would come pouring out as a result. But with a shallow breath and shaking hand, Bucky picked it up and grasped it tightly in an attempt to control the nervous movement of his arm. He turned towards Steve and motioned with the object in his hand. “We need to burn this. Get rid of it.”

“What?” Steve turned completely towards him and uncrossed his arms. “Hold on, we can’t just do the first thing that pops into our head. We have it now, but there’s a lot we need to consider. A lot has happened while you were gone, it’s complicated.”

Bucky roughly set the book back down and looked Steve straight in the eye. “See, but it’s actually _not_ complicated, Steve. That book needs to go. I might be the only Winter Soldier left, but you know that I can still do a lot of damage on my own.”

“There’s too much vital information in there Buck! HYDRA secrets like this don’t often get dropped in our lap, and there are people who feel that we should go through it. There could be things in there that we need to know.”

The room went silent for a beat. The two of them looked at each other, at a loss of what to say next until Bucky took in a stifled breath and nodded, obviously tense. “Fine.” He then slid the book back over to Steve and sat back down where he was earlier.

“The doctors will probably be here soon to give you a full physical, just to check you over, make sure you’re okay,” Steve spoke back up and grabbed the book. Neither of them were willing to look at the other while they spoke.

“Alright. What about my arm?”

“They’ll talk to you about that.”

“Great.”

The silence was deafening.

Bucky couldn’t take it.

“I don’t have to get that damn red star on my shoulder again, right?”

Bucky’s comment drew a small chuckle out of Steve. He smiled and crossed his arms. “Nah, I bet they can give ya anything you want up there. Maybe I could even design something for ya if you wanted.”

Bucky couldn’t help but smile a bit as well and finally took a glance over at Steve. “I’m up for anything really. You should get goin’ on ideas, Rogers, I have high hopes.”

Steve matched Bucky’s glance, one eyebrow raised. “Bossy Barnes at it again. Only the best for you, of course.”

The two men were distracted by the main doors into the room sliding open, and they both looked over in one synchronous motion.

“I apologize for the interruption Captain Rogers, but we must get started on Mr. Barnes’ physical.” The head doctor made her way over to the two of them as she spoke, followed by two assistants. “Mr. Barnes, are you well enough to begin?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, I’m good. Sorry for the wait.” 

Steve pushed himself away from the counter he was leaning against and faced the doctor once she was next to them. “Thank you so much for all of this, we really appreciate it.”

She nodded in response. “King T’Challa is held up at the present moment, but if you would like to speak to him he should be available this evening. Your friend Mr. Stark is waiting for you outside and wishes to speak with you.”

“Great. Thanks again. I’ll uh, I’ll be going then.” Steve quickly made his way over to the metal case and slid the book back in, locking it up to take it with him. As he made his way back from the counter he took a glance at Bucky, flashing him a quick smile and making sure he was okay with being left alone, and then made his way to the door.

“Wait, wait! Steve hold on, don’t go just yet! Excuse me just another moment, sorry.” Bucky lept up from his seat, apologizing to the doctor in the process and then made the few quick strides over to Steve.

Steve stopped and flipped around just as Bucky reached him. Before he could ask anything or even open his mouth, Bucky started rambling.

“I know you’re doing you’re best and I remember what you said to me before I went under. Earlier I know I was upset but… thank you for getting me out. You didn’t _break_ a promise, you _kept_ one. And… I love you, too.” His words were rushed and airy, like he was out of breath. But he said what he needed to, and so he waited for Steve to answer.

Steve was at a loss for words. He stood there, mouth open slightly, unsure of what to do next while his heart almost burst. He wanted to scoop Bucky into his arms and never let him go, but they both knew that for now, that would have to wait. He simply smiled, trying not to tear up. “You’re a punk.”

Bucky smiled back. “ _Jerk._ ”

“Go get your physical ya big lug. I’ll see you later, alright?” Steve motioned for Bucky to go back to where the doctors were waiting. The two then split ways, Steve taking one last quick glance over his shoulder before he left the room.

Bucky was just the slightest bit nervous at the idea of being prodded and checked over by doctors, but things were starting to fall into place. For the first time in a long, long while, Bucky Barnes had hope that things would be okay.


End file.
